The ugly truth

I really enjoyed my children tonight.  Why is this an ugly truth?  Because more days than not I don't.  Maybe there are moments of time here or there but for the most part I have not enjoyed them for some time.  I feel sad and guilty and probably fourteen other things admitting that.  Now first let me say that there are a number of reasons I don't enjoy my children - they don't make it easy.  They are not "typical" children.  And then there is me I have definitely not been my "typical" self the last few weeks.  But today I was reading "Sink Reflections" by Marla Cilley and had a bit of an epiphany.  Here are some of the questions that Marla suggests you ask yourself to determine if you are acting like a martyr:

• Do you complain that you are the only persona that ever does anything around the house?
• Do you throw in the towel when you clean something up and then two hours later it is a messed up again?  do you say "Why do I even bother?"
• Do you pout when you can't get your children or your spouse to do their fair share?
• Do you know what their fair share really is?
• Do you only clean when you are mad?
• Do you hear harsh words come from your mouth when delegating jobs?

There are more questions but these are the ones that made me shut up (which is no small tasks).  Mouth agape - I have been acting like a martyr!  I have not been taking care of myself.  I have been running on empty and making everyone else pay for my low tank.  Sure my kids are challenging, my job is challenging, being a single mother is challenging I could go on but you get the point.  But here was the epiphany I have been making it waaaaaaay worse with my attitude and lack of self care.  

So I am going to make some changes.  What?  Well I'm not 100% sure but today I guess I started with just enjoying my children.  There will be more to come - stay tuned.